THERE it is!

October 19, 2008 at 6:19 pm 7 comments

     When I was younger – in my teens and 20s – I had no fear. I called myself “Wild Woman” and meant it. I wasn’t a party girl or anything like that; I simply did what I wanted to do and didn’t worry about anything. I’d fearlessly take off in my Jeep armed only with a topo map in search of mountain graveyards (my interest in graveyards belongs on another blog altogether) few eyes had seen in recent years. I protested and rallied for everything as minor as my alma mater losing its D-1 tennis team to things more life altering things such as a woman’s right to choose. I had opinions and I rarely hesitated to speak them.

     Yet somewhere along the line I lost that fearlessness, and confused having an opinion with being confrontational, which I never have been. I do believe I have an ability to see both sides of many issues, which I have blamed for my inability to speak up about much of anything of late. But it’s not that simple. As I fret and worry over things I’ve said to people, wondering if I’ve inadvertently offended anyone, I find myself becoming bogged down in fears about saying anything at all.

     It’s only recently that I’ve become aware of how watered down I have become. It started with Husband, on a rare shared walk through our neighborhood. I don’t remember our topic of conversation, but I found myself trying to convince him I still am that Wild Woman I used to be, although in a different format. I realized I had no backing argument to support the claim, and it disturbed me. Sure, I’ve fought for C when he needed me to. Yet somehow that doesn’t translate to my being a wild woman, because fighting for our kids is what we do. I want more. I want to speak up again when I don’t have to; throw my opinion in the ring when there’s no point in doing so – simply to be a person again. A person with opinions, views, thoughts and concerns worth expressing.

     So this morning, when I read a blog post in which the writer talked about children with diagnoses as being “defective,” I couldn’t let it pass. So disturbed and offended was I that I had to respond. Perhaps that parent truly felt that way about her child, and if she did, I feel sad for her. It’s certainly her right to use whatever words she wants to, but I won’t have anyone use that word about my child. Ever. But this wasn’t really about her, or her words; it was about me learning how to say things again. I responded, gently, as we parents need to be kind with each other. I felt proud of myself. I had an opinion, I voiced it. I spoke up.

    I have my spine back. I knew it was in there somewhere.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Mama is down for the count It’s true love

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. FXSmom  |  October 19, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Welcome back 🙂

  • 2. robinaltman  |  October 19, 2008 at 8:42 pm

    If I had searched my brain for an adjective to describe you, “spineless” wouldn’t have been on the list. Loving, smart, kind, funny, supportive, strong, and…..WILD would have been there,though.

    Well, I’m glad I’ve got SOMEBODY fooled! 🙂

  • 3. hopeauthority  |  October 19, 2008 at 8:44 pm

    Well, welcome back, Wild Woman!

  • 4. StatMom  |  October 19, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    Good for you. But I suspect the spine was there all along 😉

    Think I was just sitting on it. 😉

  • 5. goodmum  |  October 20, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    Wow. “Defective,” huh? Unreal.

    I am a lot like you in the sense that I’m always analyzing my words, thoughts, expressions, to see if perhaps I could be offending someone, somewhere. It’s so bad that sometimes I even forget what I really think, or which side I’m on. Thanks for the reminder to just be the “real” me. 😉

    I’m glad you’re back!

    I know, I couldn’t believe it. She responded that she meant it tongue in cheek, but I can’t imagine every saying that – even in jest. To each his/her own, I suppose. But you summed it up perfectly – I need to find my passion again for just about anything! And figure out what I believe in these days…

  • 6. kristi  |  October 21, 2008 at 10:33 am

    OH my gosh. I’ll never forget one day TC said he was broken, and I almost cried. I think he meant his leg hurt or something…but it still got to me.

    Oh, that would get to me too.

  • 7. mama mara  |  October 21, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    How weird! This morning, I wrote a post about rediscovering my inner wild woman while on vacation. Good for us both!

    I need to go read it! How funny! I was out of town for a week and had those hit automatically (love that feature), which is why I haven’t seen yours yet – need to catch up. Glad you had what sounds like a good time!


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