December 11, 2008 at 5:17 am 13 comments

I watch from afar

As he runs silently around the playground

Happily, with a smile on his face.

He darts to and fro,

Searching for someone or something.

He takes a turn on the slide,

Runs around some more,

And then lines up for class.

All the while, that silent smile stays on his face.

And I wonder as I retreat and leave him for the day

How a child in such a large group of children

Can appear so completely and utterly


Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , .

Wordless Wednesday Wake up call

13 Comments Add your own

  • 1. pixiemama  |  December 11, 2008 at 6:47 am


  • 2. Jesch  |  December 11, 2008 at 7:49 am

    congrats on capturing what I saw at the playground last time

    You are exactly right – I’d forgotten about that day. It’s so weird to watch when it happens, because I feel like I’m watching a silent movie from far, far away. There’s noise everywhere but I don’t hear it because I’m so focused on him, and of course, he is silent. I hate those moments.

  • 3. therocchronicles  |  December 11, 2008 at 8:53 am

    Here’s a BIG hug from far away. I know this sadness and I don’t know how to ease it – for I would if I could – for you, and me, and all of us who watch our children surrounded and yet alone, and especially for our kiddos who really want to connect. Hugs to you.

    Thanks, friend. I know – I wish I could ease it for all of us. I think it’s the hardest thing of all.

  • 4. mama mara  |  December 11, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Beautiful post. But ouch.

    It is ouch. Exactly that.

  • 5. robinaltman  |  December 11, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    All I can say is “hugs”. It hurts my heart to read it, so I can only imagine how you feel.

    It is very painful to watch, but I have to remind myself he is fairly happy at school. I don’t think he always realizes when he is shunned, ignored or teased. Or even just not noticed at all. If I had to try and get into his head, I’d say at moments like that he knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t necessarily connect it directly to himself or that his experience is any different than anyone else’s, if that makes sense. It’s both comforting and frightening at the same time to realize that.

  • 6. goodmum  |  December 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    Oh, Darcy. I’m so sorry. My heart is aching too. He’s an awesome person, though. He WILL find his way. He’s got a great mom who will make sure of it.

    Thanks, friend! 🙂 I’m glad those moments are not happening as often as they used to. But when they do – WHAM!

  • 7. hopeauthority  |  December 11, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Been there. Daily. Thanks for once again putting something profound into just the right words.
    I know its hard, but at times like that, try to think about the post before it…the beautiful picture of “C” and his friend. He WILL have friends. Maybe fewer than other kids do, but better quality I think.

    You are exactly right – and that is why I try to mix up my posts – because having this child (like having any child, I suppose) is the most wonderful thing in the world, yet watching him go through hard things is the most painful thing in the world. He does have friends this year, which is wonderful, but on days like that one, I find myself remembering how very alone he can be at times. It’s a tough dichotomy sometimes, as you know…

  • 8. Kathie  |  December 11, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Oh wow! What a touching post. My guy is utterly clueless and uninterested in anything “social.” It’s rough, but I think it must be even harder when you have a child who really wants to connect and just can’t seem to figure it out. I do believe, though, with a mom like you C will figure it out and find HIS way…

    There is a little boy at my school who reminds me of C. This post brought his face to my mind. He is exactly like this on the playground. I feel myself drawn to him, probably because of my son. I try and get him to connect with something or someone on the playground almost every time I have duty. Today, in fact, I had a couple boys from my class try to teach him how to play kickball. He had the time of his life, but really didn’t like kickball. (he told me that later) LOL

    We must meet in real life. I would love to meet your sweet little boy! 🙂 Oh, and that picture from Wordless Wednesday. How cute is that?

    I think C does far better when it’s recess and just his class instead of the whole school in the morning, which is probably overwhelming! And he certainly has developed some friendships this year, so I’m seeing this kind of thing less than I used to.

    I have always known you were a great teacher, made even greater by having the children of your own that you have. I’m sure that little boy’s Mom is thankful you are around. 🙂

    I have faith that we will meet someday, oh not so far away friend!!!

  • 9. FXSmom  |  December 12, 2008 at 10:24 am

    I remember as a kid feeling like that. And oddly when I was in high school I was surrounded by friends so I could feel alone without looking alone. I like being an “individual” 😆

    Well, you are definitely one of a kind! 🙂

  • 10. Holly's Mom  |  December 14, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    Your post is so sad. I am amazed at how social Holly tries to be and I just hope with all my heart that as she grows up, other kids will get her and she will be able to connect. Your poem just tore me in two you have such strength, i just hoped that if faced with the same I can be as strong.

  • 11. Calvinsmom  |  December 22, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    You did it. You really described it perfectly. That’s what I just saw last week watching my son in kindergarten. C sounds wonderful, though. I have a C, too (really — Calvin) and it’s nice to know there are others. Nice to know there are other parents who get it, too.

    It is so hard to watch, isn’t it?

  • 12. Sometimes the sword beats the pen « What We Need  |  September 14, 2009 at 6:14 am

    […] 14, 2009      I write a lot about the playground and friends (most truly, here). Would that the playground equalled friends for my C, but alas, it rarely does. Whoever had the […]

  • 13. abbyschrad  |  February 21, 2010 at 8:58 am

    You’ve expressed my feelings so precisely it hurts.


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