Who would I be?

August 11, 2009 at 5:51 am 9 comments

     In the past couple of years, I’ve found myself on a strange journey to recapture the me I used to be. I’ve never liked the idea that one needs to find oneself, but I absolutely understand the idea that a person can get lost. I have, most definitely, been lost. Lost inside those early years of raising C where we bounced back and forth between specialists and therapies; years where my dearest friends were the therapists working with C. We shared a common goal of helping this child along his path in the best way possible, which probably explains the tightness of our bonds and why some of them remain strong all these years later.

     In the years since C started school, I’ve slowly been working my way back to my own interests, although I admit to not being completely sure what those actually are any longer. Lofty goals such as traveling the world and writing great books have given way to watching Amazing Race and escaping into books other people have penned. A former desire to work at the Smithsonian has melted into not being sure I’d even care to work at the local history museum at this point. Just what is it I want to do with myself, my future, the rest of my life?

     The entire issue of my sense of self hit me hard while sitting through what was, in my opinion, a terrible movie adaptation of the amazing book My Sister’s Keeper. At one point, the mother of the terminally ill child was asked who she thought she’d be if she weren’t fighting for her daughter. Recognizing that our situation is far less critical, I still asked myself the same question in that moment. The truth is, I’m not sure of the answer, but my sense is that I’ll figure it out. I am quite sure there’s a way to balance everything while still knowing who I am when I stand alone.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , .

And so it begins Almost wordless Wednesday

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. pixiemama  |  August 11, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Perhaps a life coach? I have a consult with one later this week to figure out this same issue. I’ll let you know how it goes.


  • 2. Alison Auerbach  |  August 11, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Amen sister. I can’t even come up with a list of what I want for my birthday. Naturally, I have a 17-item suggestion list for The Boy’s birthday, should my family ask for assistance.


  • 3. Good Fountain  |  August 11, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    Yep, understand. I kinda felt lost BEFORE I had kids, though. So this is nothing new for me.

  • 4. robinaltman  |  August 11, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    I can’t think of anyone who describes the struggles of raising a highly functioning autistic child as well as you. The heartbreak of watching him in social situations, advocating with schools, and the humor and love. What about a book?

    Watching the Amazing Race sounds fun, too. 😛

  • 5. Marc  |  August 12, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Perhaps this is your calling, a great mom. I never had even goals like you and then my kids showed up. Who knew. I’ve come to realize that one’s legacy is their child(ren). Keep up the good work.

  • 6. tiredmama  |  August 12, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I completely understand and am struggling with the same questions right now.

  • 7. therocchronicles  |  August 14, 2009 at 5:37 am

    I totally get this and have been having similar feelings as I prepare the Roc for all day kindergarten and people keep asking me “what are you going to DO all day?” and I don’t know–but it’s deeper than what am I going to do all day….

  • 8. mama edge  |  August 14, 2009 at 6:48 am

    Wonderful post. Our kids’ lives are so demanding, it’s no wonder we find it difficult to have a life for ourselves. I don’t know where I’d be either, but I think it’s a great question to ponder.

  • 9. Michelle - Nathan's Mom  |  August 14, 2009 at 11:03 am

    I completely get this. It isn’t about lost dreams or goals even. It is about coming to terms with how your life is & where to go next. Because focusing on who would you be if….only leads to hurt and wishing you could change things.

    Deciding where to go next is the kind of can-do attitude we ASD mommas have to have to survive. Good luck making your choice.


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