I’m just one of those mothers

December 3, 2009 at 5:51 am 4 comments

     I have a confession to make: I was ambivalent at best about becoming a mother. Husband and I never really planned to have children, nor did we plan not to have children. There was no conscious decision made in either direction. I was certainly excited when I found out I was pregnant, although more than anything else, I was absolutely terrified. Of what, exactly, I’m not sure.

     I was not one of those women who enjoyed being pregnant. I was surrounded by those women, and marveled at their eagerness in experiencing all things pregnancy. But they may as well have been from another planet for all I could relate to them. I’m just not cut of that cloth. Even more so, I wasn’t one of those women who wanted with all their being, knew from the moment they could think for themselves, that they wanted to be mothers. I almost felt guilty that I was going to become a mother while I watched dear friends, who so desperately wanted to become mothers, try everything possible to get pregnant but couldn’t.

     Yet for all my feelings of ambivalence, I became one of those mothers who simply cannot separate themselves from their child. I’ve struggled with it since day one. Not because I simply revel in all things parenting – I didn’t coo at every spit up or eagerly journal and videotape every single thing C has done. But when I look at C, and marvel at how he’s of me (and sometimes almost can’t comprehend how he could be), I am struck by how very un-separate from me he seems to be. Some would say it’s my heart living outside my body, but it only feels like that a little bit. When I really try to get my thoughts around it, I can’t exactly.

      It takes me back to the very beginning of my blog (see here), nearly two years ago now. While I do believe that God gives us what we need, I’m still on the watch for the greater meaning of why this child has me and I him. Perhaps it is as simple, and as complex, as C is what I need and I am what C needs, no further explanation necessary.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. mama edge  |  December 3, 2009 at 6:48 am

    I think it is that simple. And that complex.

    Beautiful post. Felt every word.

  • 2. therocchronicles  |  December 4, 2009 at 11:34 am

    Lovely post. I agree with mama edge.

  • 3. divinescribble  |  December 5, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    It’s an amazing thing to know that we are capable and able to produce another human being without really even trying hard…really.
    On the other hand, what power that is!
    So, when we look at our children and see our features in their face, it’s amazingly humbling.

    When we have a more unique child to stare at daily, it becomes even more mind-warping that we have been given the gift and responsibility of teaching them. That’s trust, baby.

    Thanks for blogging. I’ve added you to my blogroll.

  • 4. robinaltman  |  December 6, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    What a lovely post! I love the way you think about things. It’s so warm and appreciative. C is a lucky little boy.


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