This broken heart

December 22, 2009 at 9:10 pm 17 comments

     Saturday, I had one of the moments all parents, and especially parents of special kids, dread the most. I watched my parents drive C away in one direction while Husband drove me away in another, and I wondered if it was the last time I would ever see that little face. Trying not to think about how he could survive without me if the worst happened, I blew C a million kisses as Husband drove me to the emergency room to find out what was wrong with my heart.

     My heart is broken, you see. I wasn’t sure in exactly what way at the time, but I know now. This won’t kill me now or later if managed well, but it will change my life in some as yet unknown amount. Even after four days in the hospital, I still don’t have all the answers. I never will. It’s the same with C. Not one of the specialists I saw could tell me why my heart has gone and done what it has done any more than anyone can tell me why C has autism. It could be genetic, it could be previous damage, it could be something else altogether. Why a 40-year-old woman who has absolutely zero risk factors now has a disorder/disease/condition most often seen in men well over 60 seems to be beyond the expertise of the various experts who came to visit with me while I sat in my hospital bed doing my best not to cry. And I often failed at that task.

     Now, just a couple of days before Christmas, I am gratefully and happily home at last, back in my own bed surrounded by my favorite boys – Husband, C and Dog. And while I continue to marvel at how C’s path in life seems so echoed in my own, I am reminded of and old saying that seems particularly apt here. Simply put: “The heart knows no reason.”

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , .

Semantics therapy C-isms Part IX

17 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ghc  |  December 22, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Whooooaaaaaahhh…. Wow, I’m floored, and I want to help: is there anything I can do? I am so glad to know that you sound like there is a good prognosis, but so sorry you have been through a horrible scare. I am so glad to know you… be well, rest, reach out… breathe… take good care of that big heart. tell us more if it helps. here.

  • 2. Holly's Mom  |  December 23, 2009 at 12:35 am

    I am so sorry to hear that you were ill, and I am glad C survived without you, how hard that must have been, I am prepairing for baby 2 and wonder how Holly will do not being able to stay with me at the Hospital, for her I was there 6 days, So I know you must have been going through hell with worry about both C and your heart. I am glad you are home for the holidays and with your three boys!

  • 3. mama edge  |  December 23, 2009 at 6:31 am

    This is scary. So many of the autie-mom bloggers I follow seem to be suffering all manner of health issues — strokes, MS, rheumatoid arthritis, joint disorders, and on and on. It’s just not fair!

    Am sending good thoughts your way. Please take care of yourself, blogfriend.

  • 4. T$  |  December 23, 2009 at 6:34 am


  • 5. goodfountain  |  December 23, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Oh friend I am so sorry that you were ill and that it scared you so deeply. But of course I understand why. Any parent does.

    Wishing you the merriest of Christmases and much rest surrounded by your beautiful family.

  • 6. therocchronicles  |  December 23, 2009 at 11:20 am

    This took my breath away. I’m so sorry and worried for you. Please take good care of that heart.

    Thinking of you and sending you lots of positive thoughts and wishes.

    (Big Hugs too)

  • 7. Shivon  |  December 23, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    how scary….but I am glad to hear the prognosis is good with proper treatment, so don’t forget ot take care of YOURSELF too mom :). Enjoy your holiday at home and all of you will stay in my prayers


  • 8. robinaltman  |  December 23, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Oh, man! I’m so sorry!!!! I hate the thought of you being scared in the hospital, and I’m glad you’re home. I will think happy heart thoughts at your heart. Please have a terrific holiday with your men folk.

  • 9. Donna Hawkins  |  December 23, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Darcy, I was shocked and soooo sorry to hear of your condition! I pray that you are able to pin down the cause so you can go forward with answers and some peace. Rest assured our thoughts and prayers are with you, Husband and your little boy. Please get lots and lots of rest, and think happy thoughts. I know the power of positive thinking and mental and physical relaxation go a long way in one’s journey toward wellness, having spent the past 5 years dealing with an auto-immune condition.

    We will be thinking of you during the holidays. Have a very relaxed and blessed Merry Christmas.

    Donna and Bill

  • 10. Angie  |  December 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    WHAT?! And how come everyone else knows what the prognosis is and I don’t…was there a post I missed?

    Holy crap…I will call. Rest up, enjoy T&J being there, and hang in there!! Thinking of you….

  • 11. pixiemama  |  December 23, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    OMG, OMG, OMG.
    What happened?
    How can I help?
    Did you have a heart attack?
    How did C manage knowing you were sick?
    Does this condition prevent you from taking Xanax and/or imbibing?
    I’m so sorry, my dear friend. Please, please let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on.


    No heart attack. Interestingly, I just experienced xanax for the first time last week (why I even bothered going to a GP for a heart issue I don’t know), and didn’t like it! I’ll email you tomorrow…

  • 12. lynnes  |  December 23, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    Oh, I am so sorry! I hope you have a relaxing and restful holiday, surrounded by your family.

  • 13. Erica77777  |  December 24, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Very concerned! And of course we all understand your feelings. May you be flooded with the thought that so many who you have never met in person care about you! Sending a billion wishes for a happy, long, long, long life.

  • 14. kristi  |  January 6, 2010 at 9:17 am

    OMG!! I had to do a halter monitor thingy on my 14 year old because the dr. said her heart was beating abnormally. Luckily the cardiologist said it was nothing to worry about. HUGS to you!

  • 15. You’ve got to have heart « What We Need  |  February 9, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    […] 9, 2010      Someone recently told me, in regards to my own health (see here), that I had walked through a door that was now closed behind me. I couldn’t get that thought […]

  • 16. hopeauthority  |  February 21, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Many months later, I finally come back to the blog world and learn that oneof my favorite friends had a scare that I missed. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to support you and so glad you got through it. (Having some health issues of my own too, though not yet on the scare level of what you went through.)

    I’m a big believer in the wellness professionals. They help our boys. And the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    Miss you. I’m going to catch up on everyone now..

  • 17. The well is running dry « What We Need  |  February 8, 2011 at 5:29 am

    […] spring chickens anymore, and my own health, while far more stable than it was a year ago (see here), is still presenting challenges. Basically, I’m tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. […]


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