Goodnight, day

April 16, 2010 at 11:10 am 8 comments

     There are two things I know I am: a control freak and smart. I’m lots of other things too, but for this post’s purposes, those are the two most important. On a day like today, I feel challenged in both those areas. It’s the kind of day we all have as parents of autistic kids, but knowing they will happen does not make them any easier to handle.     

     There are days where all the planets align and I feel I know exactly what I’m doing and handle what comes with the grace and calm of a saint. But those days are stretched further apart than I’d like them to be, and the rest of the time I’m left feeling as though I’m flying by the seat of my pants or losing it altogether.

     Most of the time I’m in the “flying by the seat of my pants” stage, which isn’t particularly good, but it’s also not particularly bad. It’s the “losing it altogether” days that are the worst, of course. These are the ones where I have no idea how to help C deal with what life has put in front of him, and I feel like I’m throwing darts blindfolded. All of my training and education does not in one single way help me on days like these. I pull every trick out of my hat and still I fail.

     This is where the control issue comes in. I know I can’t control any of this, I know I can’t fix it, and I know there is little I can do to sort through the particular issues that cropped up today. Yet I trudge along, doing what I can, while feeling frustrated that it’s simply not enough. Not nearly enough. All this while knowing that no one could do it any better than I do.

     Somehow knowing that doesn’t help either. The only thing I can do is put this day to bed knowing that the sun will come up tomorrow, and tomorrow I will try and try again.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you The power of the people

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Cheryl D.  |  April 16, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Wow, I blogged on a very similar topic today! Yesterday and today have been pretty yucky!

  • 2. Trish @ Autism Interrupted  |  April 16, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Oh, I feel like a charter member of this club! Your last sentence if the most important thing, that tomorrow we try again.

  • 3. Ghkcole  |  April 16, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    We have a lot in common. Hugs. Wishing you a better tomorrow.

  • 4. Shivon  |  April 17, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    All I can tell you is that I understand….here is to manana

  • 5. robinaltman  |  April 18, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Tomorrow is always a new day. And yes, I agree, nobody would do better than you.

  • 6. Caitlin  |  April 18, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    “There are two things I know I am: a control freak, and smart”.

    Were we separated at birth? Going through life being able to either a) control all our problems or b) figure out all our problems, sure sets us up for some profound frustration once we realize neither will solve the mystery of autism for us. But in some ways… I think the control freakishness and smarts DO help us when it comes to implementing routines, managing sensory overload, researching therapies, and advocating for our kids.

    You are an AMAZING mom 🙂


  • 7. Holly's Mom  |  April 19, 2010 at 3:04 am

    I’ve had a few bad days recently myself, so I wish for you a brighter tomorrow, and I am sorry today was so dark.

  • 8. tiredmama  |  April 19, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Ah, I feel the same way SO often. At least, it’s good knowing that I’m among company. I hope that your days are going much better now.


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