Holding Pattern

December 2, 2018 at 6:00 pm 2 comments

My goal at this point is to kind of just get through the holidays. Before C was born, I was all about the holidays. Starting with a pumpkin carving party for Halloween-to a massive feast on Thanksgiving-to decorating everything that moved for Christmas, I lived for October 1 to January 1. But this year, I’m just not in the mood. I am not in a bad mood, but I have realized that I would rather just “be” than pretend as though things are normal when they are most definitely not.

Like so much with C, things slowly started to change after his birth, and our holidays changed just like everything else. C was terrified of Halloween. Literally terrified. Pumpkin faces and costumes freaked him out, even the happy ones. In later years, he enjoyed trick or treating (even though he didn’t like candy) just to bang on people’s doors and get something from them. But slowly over time, my Halloween decorations were put away, and eventually just given away.

Thanksgiving was even more of a non-event with C because he simply didn’t eat. I have talked about his sensory issues with food many a time here, and they really impacted family gatherings. It took years for him to be able to eat around other people, and he still struggles with it to this day. His feeding therapist always told us eating was the second most difficult thing for the human body to do next to sex. Eating involves so many sensations that are overpowering for sensory challenged kiddos. True that, we have found.

Christmas? It was a bit better, especially given C firmly believed in Santa until well into middle school, which I loved. Yet he was all about the material gifts, which I didn’t love so much. When a kid starts saying, “Just give me cash, it’s easier,” it sort of takes the meaning and fun out of it. He enjoyed the spirit of giving at first, but even that faded over time.

Still, preserving traditions was very important to me, and I kind of mourned the lack of them in our home. I grew up with very entrenched holiday traditions, and I envisioned my own family being that way as well. Like so many other things, that has not happened for us, despite early efforts to make it so. I eventually kind of gave up, and felt somewhat resentful for it.

This year? I am oddly grateful for a newfound awareness. With C away and everything feeling so strange, I have realized it is not about the pumpkins, the feast, or the tree. I am not opposed to those things, but they just don’t mean as much to me anymore. I was caught up – not in the stuff as much as in doing the stuff. Right now? I’m pretty content with my 24/7 Christmas carols and reveling in the recent snow. Watching the birds at the feeder, smelling the scented pine cones I picked up at the store, and peppermint hot chocolate are filling my soul more than enough this year.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

The Forest for the Trees Trouble in the Water

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lois  |  December 3, 2018 at 7:29 pm

    I totally get it…when we moved away from family, I made a point of going ‘home’ every Christmas. That’s where all of our traditions were followed, even after losing my parents. Since my younger sister passed away, we stopped going. Of course, the first Christmas after she died, I felt I had to be there for my nieces. We cooked together and shared many of the traditions, without her. This will be the 2nd Christmas I will not return ‘home’…and I probably won’t decorate, but I’m ok with it.

    Reply
    • 2. asdmommy  |  December 3, 2018 at 11:13 pm

      I remember when you lost your sister and all the lovely pictures with your nieces that followed. 💙

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