January 27, 2019 at 3:01 pm 10 comments

“Going home is my sanctuary,” a doctor once said to me. “I doubt it’s the same for you.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Home was not my sanctuary. Home was where I was my most tired, stressed, and unauthentic self. I would lose myself in fantasies of being alone in a cabin, alone on a beach, alone in a jail cell, alone in my car. None of these were things I really wanted. I knew those fantasies were simply my brain’s way of reminding me I needed a break. But I never seemed to get one.

It was strange, because at that time I couldn’t imagine any life other than the one I had. I knew I was simply where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do. I struggled with the feeling that I no longer had my own identity beyond the one given to me the day C was born. Still, I couldn’t imagine my life being anything other than exactly what it was.

Fast forward many years and enter a combination of things – C being gone, having a new job in which I thrive, and some hard therapeutic work on my part. I have grown to love my life in a way I haven’t since C was born. So much so that when C called the other night saying he was being released early (a mistake on his part, that’s for another post), I cried, and not in a happy way. Yes, in a Mother of the Year moment, I cried when my kiddo told me he was coming home. Granted, there were other things going on that contributed to that reaction, but nonetheless, there it is.

It took me a few days to fully process these feelings, but it boils down to this sense that peace is swirling around me now, and I want to protect it. Fiercely. What I have realized, however, is that sanctuary is not necessarily something around me, it’s something in me. Amidst the chaos and total discombobulation that revolves around C at times, I need to find my calm and live there regardless of what’s going on around me. Fortunately, I have two more months to continue to cultivate that skill.

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” ~ unknown



Entry filed under: autism.

Clearing the mind A way with words

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. stayquirkymyfriends  |  January 27, 2019 at 4:30 pm

    Yes, yes, yes, we relate to this so much. For us, of course it’s helped that things have calmed with our kid overall from the worst days, but daily meditation (and learning about all of that) is also helping me immensely. Plus, committing time to getting away and not feeling guilty about needing to do that. Love you, and wishing you peace.

    • 2. asdmommy  |  January 27, 2019 at 4:33 pm

      True all of that. What I’d like to figure out, however, is how to get away with YOU, my friend. How fun would that be?

    • 3. stayquirkymyfriends  |  January 27, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      That would be amazing– I’m in. Now, let’s figure out how to do that…

  • 4. Becky Carpenter  |  January 28, 2019 at 9:16 am

    My heart is (and has been) with you. I pray that the support system that you now have will be able to create and maintain the support system that is best and safest for all in your family.

    • 5. asdmommy  |  January 28, 2019 at 12:26 pm

      From your lips…and thank you. So grateful to know you.

  • 6. Scott Baird  |  January 28, 2019 at 10:33 am

    Darcy, I have unsubscribed from Facebook, but am in the midst of the 30-day waiting period; therefore I do not know if I received this Post directly from you or through Facebook. You are among those (un)fortunate Special People in my life, however, and I do not want to lose touch with you. So make sure that we keep in touch. Today’s post reminds me that I retired earlier than intended, because I realized that my wife Renee was overwhelmed with the burden of Calvin’s increasing needs and demands. I quickly discovered that both Calvin’s and Renee’s anxiety was such that I should have retired even earlier. (Renee, Calvin, and I – in no way – actualized the same family/team as you, C-, and Ralph. The frustrating dynamics, however, seem so painfully similar that I cringe at the thought of having to relive those days. Calvin, at the present, is now living with his mother, Tania. He is now 24. Both seem happy with living together – with each other and with Calvin’s stepbrother, Levi now 7 years old, and with his stepdad. We see each other on a weekly basis – which adds another blessing to my rich, rich life.) Scott

    Sent from my iPad


    • 7. asdmommy  |  January 28, 2019 at 12:25 pm

      Don’t worry, Dr. B, you can’t get rid of me. I am so glad there is this happy progression of your story with Calvin. I will keep you posted. 💙

  • 8. Mark Kent  |  January 30, 2019 at 6:19 am

    it helps a lot too have a good cry and Snotty Nose
    people never see the every day effects .i have aspergers and m.e .long list health issues .i do a blog

    i take part in a lot lot research

    • 9. asdmommy  |  January 30, 2019 at 4:39 pm

      This is true about crying. I just felt terrible about the context in which I did cry, but my kiddo knew I was sick and miserable anyway, so I don’t think he took it personally. Thanks for your comments, Mark.

    • 10. Mark Kent  |  January 31, 2019 at 5:29 am

      it would help you and family great deal too take part in research,YOU
      should NOT feel terrible ,i have children it helps me great deal too have a good cry and Snotty Nose.we have Autism in our family .let
      your son see you cry .would you like my e.mail a chat ..i, am here
      people never see the every day effects of Autism or m.e .


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