Easy like Sunday morning

February 25, 2019 at 7:31 pm 2 comments

When I read through the drafts of posts many years ago that were never published, it’s like reading letters to my future self. I am amazed at how much things have changed and how much they’ve stayed the same. I still question myself, I question my parenting – I question everything. But it’s all in a more forgiving, empathetic way than it used to be.

While I am feeling calmer, easier, and happier these days, I continue to see Therapist NC in order to practice for the storms that are sure to come. He gave me an assignment to write a list of my “Signs of Decompensation” so that I would have a contract of sorts with myself to notice when things get bad and then call myself on it. (Never mind that the word “decompensation” is so darn close to “decomposition” that it goes all sorts of odd places in my head, and I end up down a rabbit hole of weird.) Ultimately, I had a harder time than I thought I would writing that list, and I left all kinds of things off it.

Then I found this in my drafts from many years ago…I talk a good talk about how calm I am in the face of the storm that is our life. One of these days, someone is going to figure out I’m faking it all, posing as a serene parent of a less than serene child. As we try to figure out how to deal with challenge number four zillion and two, I wonder if it will ever be less complicated. Our “normal” seems to be what sometimes feels like emergency management 101. Often it seems as though we are living crisis to crisis, and it’s impossible to keep perspective on things…

Whelp. First of all, no, it won’t be less complicated, past self, but nice try there. And you gave up talking the good talk long ago and just kind of fell apart, if I’m being frank. Faking it? Absoflippinglutely. If no one else figured out that you were anything but serene, your body and mind sure did. Perspective? Don’t even go there. You’ve graduated from emergency management 101 to emergency management 201, but still, there you are.

And there it is. My list. All in one little paragraph from many years ago.

What’s the difference now? I simply hope, with my whole self, that I have learned the skills to weather the storm, however it comes, however it hits. And that enough people have seen my “list” so that even if I don’t recognize my own decompensation, someone else will.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , .

I remember… Backseat Driver

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. stayquirkymyfriends  |  February 26, 2019 at 8:46 am

    I think, somehow, we have to re-learn how to weather the storm on a weekly, daily, sometimes moment-to-moment basis. At least that’s how it feels to me, as a fellow serene “poser.” This reminds me that even though I’ve spent so much time trying understand and teach others my kid’s “warning signs” when he’s heading toward overload, I’ve been late in seeing (and even knowing the value of seeing) my own. I’ve gotten a little better at it, I think, especially once I realized that, no, this doesn’t get any less complicated. I’m rooting for you as you head toward whatever this “new” normal will be, and I’m glad you’ve still got your therapist. I could do without that word “decompensation” though, it would definitely take me down that rabbit hole too! Love you…

    • 2. asdmommy  |  February 27, 2019 at 8:49 pm

      This is true… it’s a constant moving target, no doubt. This self-care thing…it’s not easy! 💙

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