All By Myself

March 17, 2019 at 11:51 pm 3 comments

Yesterday evening felt like Hubs’ and my last night – not so much alone, but without having a care in the world about what is going on in our house. C will be home a week from today, and to say I am not feeling ready is an understatement.

Out to dinner we went. Apparently, it’s prom somewhere, and there was a huge table of dressed up kids having a great time. I watched them giggle and smile and talk and I was hit with a pang of sadness that brought tears to my eyes. C is nearly 18 years old, yet these moments still take me by surprise when they happen. You would think I’d be used to them by now, as the window of typical closed long before it could open.

I’m not sure what that sadness is about, exactly. I don’t picture C ever sitting in a restaurant with a group of kids before going to prom, but that is hardly a barometer of a life well lived. I think it is more about C having people. No siblings, no cousins, and I can remember every kid that has been his friend. They have been few and far between. He goes to school, goes to work, and comes home. He spends entire weekends seeing no one but us.

For me, isolation has been a sign of depression. For C, isolation probably causes his depression, perhaps without him even realizing it. He simply doesn’t know anything but isolation, really.

Still, I sometimes don’t think C knows who he is unless he has someone to bounce off of. He is so intensely social and desirous of contact, and most of the time, that contact is us. It’s no wonder this past seven months has been such a respite for Hubs and me, and I probably shouldn’t be surprised that my androverted self is anxious at the thought of C’s return. Because really, that’s the core of it: C needs more than we can give him. He needs a life outside of home, and we need a life separated from being his entire circle.

C has been around kids 24/7 for the last seven months. While they all have autism and I can’t expect he’s necessarily picked up any great social skills, I hope that he has experienced the joy of interacting with one’s peers. I hope that he will somehow have recognized the power of companionship and will do whatever it takes to get out there and make some friends, whatever that looks like for him.

 

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , .

If You’re Happy and You Know It All in a Day

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Becky  |  March 18, 2019 at 8:25 am

    As always, my heart is with you. I pray that you will find that the last seven months have made some changes that will have a lasting benefit for you all.

    Reply
  • 2. stayquirkymyfriends  |  March 18, 2019 at 8:29 am

    I so know this feeling, my friend. The isolation, and being his main source of social interaction, is one of the biggest challenges. I hope C finds a way to connect with a “tribe” of whatever kind he needs, and that you find a way to live together sanely. That’s what we’re wishing for ourselves too.

    Reply
    • 3. asdmommy  |  March 18, 2019 at 11:49 am

      It’s all about the sanity for sure!! You were my last tribal member, really. Miss you so. 💙

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