Mrs. Fix-it

April 15, 2019 at 11:29 pm 2 comments

I am undoubtedly harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I am a fixer, and recognizing that I probably can’t fix the situation we’re in with C brings me a lot of discomfort. In my mind, there is some flaw I could have repaired along the way that would have ensured a different outcome than this.

“This,” is a simple word that involves a complex set of issues and solutions. My tolerance level for all things C, surprisingly to me, is very low. I thought I would have recharged while he was gone, but instead I grew used to not living on edge, not feeling like drama was around every corner, and not feeling tense at any given moment. So happy was I, enjoying my own life for the first time in too long to remember, that any threat to that enjoyment brings me down further and faster than I would like.

What Therapist NC told me today is that I need to accept it. All of it. Accept that C is a challenge and always will be. Accept that I’m frazzled and fried and maybe am not capable of having a good relationship with C. Accept that I can’t fix everything. Accept, accept, accept. But don’t go so far into acceptance that it crosses the line into giving up and giving in.

Just where is that line? I admit I don’t really know. I have been badgered by the reality of life with C for so long that while part of me understands I suffer from compassion fatigue, the other part still thinks I can fix (or could have fixed) all of it. On one hand, I moved mountains for this kid, I know I did. I did everything humanly possible to prepare him for this life of his. I did all the things, I know that. On the surface, I can look at it all and know. But what I wonder, deep down, is if in doing all the things, I somehow lost sight of just being C’s Mom, and if that somehow had some effect on where we are now.

And there it is, that self doubt at which I am exceptionally skilled. NC says parents of kids in residential treatment think their kid will either come home totally changed or that their kid is incapable of change. I don’t believe I fall into either camp, really, because I still maintain that I’m the one I expected to change. Whether I changed too much or not at all, I’m not sure, but I know I’m the one I’m most frustrated with. One way or another, I think I expected too much, and mostly of myself.

Today NC middle-named me. Yes, he *actually* middle named me. Right before he told me I am good enough, I have done enough. In perhaps the most therapy-ish moment I’ve ever had with him, he said these words to me. And then he repeated them. And then again. I suppose I needed to hear them. The trick now is to believe them, even way deep down.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Jessica Esch  |  April 17, 2019 at 12:08 am

    HSBARS

    Reply
    • 2. asdmommy  |  April 17, 2019 at 6:41 pm

      💙

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