The Calm After the Storm

May 1, 2019 at 8:22 pm 1 comment

So things have settled down a bit. C is doing pretty well even though his room looks like a toxic waste dump. I just try not to look in there very often. It seems to work fairly well.

I admit, I’ve kind of given up and let go to some extent. I still make him come back downstairs and clean up the mess he leaves in the kitchen, but unless I remind him of each step multiple times, about 75% of them don’t happen. He still wants to spend his entire paycheck on Pokemon related things five minutes after said paycheck hits his bank account. I’m not sure what else we can do at this point to turn him into a fiscally responsible adult beyond our requirement that he save 50% of his money in an untouchable account. He still binges way too late at night, which is not good for his war-torn belly, but it seems to irritate me more that he’s so obliviously loud when doing so than the fact that he’s eating at 11 p.m. Yet I continue to have concerns about his health.

This is just who C is, and while I know this, I find it difficult to accept. What bugs me even more, however, is that our job as parents (in my opinion) is to prepare a child to be a functioning adult – have we done that? I’m not so sure, which is probably why I hang onto an urge to parent C. I find it a myth that parenting stops at 18 years old, but I also doubt the level of change *I* can bring about in C’s life at this point. I see stories about adult children living at home, needing their parents too much, and ultimately failing at many areas in their lives, and I make the mistake of reading the comments on those stories…bad move on my part. The little voice in my head starts asking what else I can do, what else I should do, what else I need to do.

Because ultimately, I want C to be independent (or I want him to be able to move out – it depends on the day how I word this goal). And not just independent, but safely, happily, and successfully so. Frankly, I’m not sure which of these, if any, can actually happen. And my mind goes back to him being my job and all the things he needs help with, and ugh, it’s a vicious cycle.

Then I remind myself I’ve done my best. I’ve done all the things. I’ve given it my 100% for C’s whole life. And I pat myself on the back a little bit and focus on the thing I can actually do, which is take care of myself and try to heal from the years and years of stress, drama, and pain. It is all I can really do, and probably the sooner I accept that little fact, the better off I’ll be.

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , .

Silence and Heartbreak The Other Mother

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Jessica Esch  |  May 3, 2019 at 7:30 pm

    You’ve done your best. And then some. #webeam

    Reply

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