Heartache and heartbreak

May 25, 2019 at 10:45 pm 2 comments

Parenting has not been anything like I thought it would be. I hear comments from parents about it being the greatest joy in their lives, the best thing they’ve ever done, or the purpose for their very existence – and I want to scream. It has not been the case for me, not even close. Parenting C – through no fault of his own – has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I recognize how awful that sounds as well as the ramifications for saying it. I wrote this long before posting it; letting it simmer in its sadness and reality long before I decided to share it.

I do remember having a sense of joy in parenting when C was little, despite the complications and before most of his anger and venom had a target. I wonder, had that anger been turned toward the world and not me and sometimes Husband, if I would have had a different outcome than I am experiencing now. I’d like to think so.

But the reality is that it didn’t. We are where we are.

We have landed right back where we started, and far more quickly than I thought we would. A mere two months after C returned home, he is now back in an acute care psychiatric hospital. His behaviors have been escalating, culminating in my calling the police yesterday morning. They called in their psych team that rides with the force, and they elected to put him on a 72-hour hold.

I think both Hubs and I are pretty numb at this point. We have realized we need to find C alternative housing, as we have to be absolutely *perfect* in order to manage C’s behavior, and even when we are, it’s no guarantee. It is no way to live. We’ve been told that if C isn’t in the home, he is very unlikely to finish high school, which is part of why we hoped we could keep him at home for the next year and a half. But the cost is simply too high.

In the biggest act of radical acceptance I can muster, I recognize that this is the way it is, and it is unlikely to change. C is who he is. I hope that he will grow up and grow out of his current mindset, but he may not. My hope is that if we can find him some placement, he will settle in and blossom much like he did while in residential treatment. Given that his issues exist mostly in our home, I find this hope possible despite my nervousness about the unknown in his future.

So where do *I* go from here? If that isn’t the question of my life, I don’t know what is. I recognize that while I have come very far, parenting C is likely always going to overwhelm me in ways I am unable to overcome. I will continue to hope that we can help C become independent and that he’ll live a life that is meaningful to him, whatever that looks like. While I want that for him, I also know that it is what I need in order to have the same for myself.

 

 

 

 

Entry filed under: autism. Tags: , , , , , , , .

The Other Mother

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Becky  |  May 26, 2019 at 1:55 pm

    Oh, no! This post makes me so sad. Both Jeff and I send our love to you. C.’s issues are not your “fault”. I remember when he was born with all of his medical issues and how you and Ralph totally dedicated yourselves to take care of him. From then on, you could not have done more to provide the life he needed – medically, emotionally, and throughout his education.

    You certainly did not, just “throw in the towel” and say “no more”. You were constantly looking for “that thing” that would cure all his problems. When it became apparent he needed more, no matter how it hurt, you did it. Now, if you’ve come to the conclusion that he needs more than that, you can accept it and go with the opinions of other professionals. Accept what has been proven to you and provide a place that can keep him safe and work for you all knowing that you have done the very best that you can do. With much love.

    Reply
    • 2. asdmommy  |  May 26, 2019 at 4:51 pm

      TY, Becky. Love you guys.

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