Posts tagged ‘challenge’

The well is running dry

     This move has not been an easy one. Numerous reasons come to mind; all of them too mundane and detailed to bother with here. But suffice it to say we are all more than just a little homesick for lands west of the Mississippi. We’ve lived in seven cities in almost fourteen years, and while I usually enjoy starting over, I’m over it now. Still, there are great positives, and we know that. I expect in a few short months, we’ll settle in and start to love it. And if not, we’ll suffer through it for a few years until we feel like we can head back to the frontier.

     Husband and I aren’t spring chickens anymore, and my own health, while far more stable than it was a year ago (see here), is still presenting challenges. Basically, I’m tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. I keep wondering when life with C will get easier – and there are a great many things with him that are, in fact, easy – but the continuing challenges have taken their toll. I fully recognize that by the time I am done redirecting, correcting, motivating, corralling (is that even a word?), herding, guiding, planning, figuring, and, let us face it downright nagging, there is little left of me to be fun Mom. I tell myself perhaps I expect too much of C, but when I’m spent just getting him out of bed and out the door in the morning, there’s a problem.

     On one hand, this delightful child of mine is driving me downright Bat.Poop.Crazy. at the moment, and on the other hand, my tolerance level is low. Very low. Extremely low. You all know me; I don’t complain about my kid. I know raising a child, any child, is difficult. And I know raising a child like mine is beyond difficult, but I’m not a parent who feels short-changed with the child I was given. I feel lucky to have him, blessed to be entrusted with him, and generally feel slightly sorry for parents with typical children because I imagine it must be somewhat boring. Yet at the moment, I’m just spent, and I’m not really sure how to re-engage.

     I’m annoyed before I even get C up, because for the first time in his life I actually have to wake him in order to get to school on time, and he is not fun to rouse. I devised a routine where I take Dog into C’s room, plop him on top of C and let Dog lick C awake. Dog is old, really old, and I wonder how long he will be with us. What then? I wonder. And then I get annoyed because C can’t just get up like any other kid. No, I have to get him up happy, or the day is shot. And then this annoys me – all the hoops I have to jump through just to make things happen for C.

     Yes, I am a control freak. This I know. But having the child I have has furthered that trait to an obsession of which I am not proud. Yes, I do things to accommodate my child not only for his happiness, but for my own as well. If he’s happy, I’m happy. When he’s not happy, everyone pays, and pays dearly. And that payment is just not worth it to me anymore; I have no well left from which to draw.

     It’s a slippery slope here. This I know. But I just can’t seem to get any traction.

February 8, 2011 at 5:22 am 7 comments

Goodnight, day

     There are two things I know I am: a control freak and smart. I’m lots of other things too, but for this post’s purposes, those are the two most important. On a day like today, I feel challenged in both those areas. It’s the kind of day we all have as parents of autistic kids, but knowing they will happen does not make them any easier to handle.     

     There are days where all the planets align and I feel I know exactly what I’m doing and handle what comes with the grace and calm of a saint. But those days are stretched further apart than I’d like them to be, and the rest of the time I’m left feeling as though I’m flying by the seat of my pants or losing it altogether.

     Most of the time I’m in the “flying by the seat of my pants” stage, which isn’t particularly good, but it’s also not particularly bad. It’s the “losing it altogether” days that are the worst, of course. These are the ones where I have no idea how to help C deal with what life has put in front of him, and I feel like I’m throwing darts blindfolded. All of my training and education does not in one single way help me on days like these. I pull every trick out of my hat and still I fail.

     This is where the control issue comes in. I know I can’t control any of this, I know I can’t fix it, and I know there is little I can do to sort through the particular issues that cropped up today. Yet I trudge along, doing what I can, while feeling frustrated that it’s simply not enough. Not nearly enough. All this while knowing that no one could do it any better than I do.

     Somehow knowing that doesn’t help either. The only thing I can do is put this day to bed knowing that the sun will come up tomorrow, and tomorrow I will try and try again.

April 16, 2010 at 11:10 am 8 comments

It’s all autism, all the time.

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