Posts tagged ‘residential treatment adolescent’

Mrs. Fix-it

I am undoubtedly harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I am a fixer, and recognizing that I probably can’t fix the situation we’re in with C brings me a lot of discomfort. In my mind, there is some flaw I could have repaired along the way that would have ensured a different outcome than this.

“This,” is a simple word that involves a complex set of issues and solutions. My tolerance level for all things C, surprisingly to me, is very low. I thought I would have recharged while he was gone, but instead I grew used to not living on edge, not feeling like drama was around every corner, and not feeling tense at any given moment. So happy was I, enjoying my own life for the first time in too long to remember, that any threat to that enjoyment brings me down further and faster than I would like.

What Therapist NC told me today is that I need to accept it. All of it. Accept that C is a challenge and always will be. Accept that I’m frazzled and fried and maybe am not capable of having a good relationship with C. Accept that I can’t fix everything. Accept, accept, accept. But don’t go so far into acceptance that it crosses the line into giving up and giving in.

Just where is that line? I admit I don’t really know. I have been badgered by the reality of life with C for so long that while part of me understands I suffer from compassion fatigue, the other part still thinks I can fix (or could have fixed) all of it. On one hand, I moved mountains for this kid, I know I did. I did everything humanly possible to prepare him for this life of his. I did all the things, I know that. On the surface, I can look at it all and know. But what I wonder, deep down, is if in doing all the things, I somehow lost sight of just being C’s Mom, and if that somehow had some effect on where we are now.

And there it is, that self doubt at which I am exceptionally skilled. NC says parents of kids in residential treatment think their kid will either come home totally changed or that their kid is incapable of change. I don’t believe I fall into either camp, really, because I still maintain that I’m the one I expected to change. Whether I changed too much or not at all, I’m not sure, but I know I’m the one I’m most frustrated with. One way or another, I think I expected too much, and mostly of myself.

Today NC middle-named me. Yes, he *actually* middle named me. Right before he told me I am good enough, I have done enough. In perhaps the most therapy-ish moment I’ve ever had with him, he said these words to me. And then he repeated them. And then again. I suppose I needed to hear them. The trick now is to believe them, even way deep down.

April 15, 2019 at 11:29 pm 2 comments

Clearing the mind

I am not a huge fan of “stuff.” I don’t own 100 pairs of shoes, tons of make-up, or hordes of purses. Hubs is similar. We each have our collection of things, though…I have lots of tennies (comfort is important to me), and Hubs has lots of camping gear (his days as a park ranger aren’t that far behind him). Relatively speaking, we don’t own a ton of possessions.¬†However, we differ in a way that I find interesting: Hubs likes a clean surface and I like a clean drawer. I like to think we complement each other in that way.

In my mind, my desire for organized dressers and kitchen cupboards was always a metaphor for what was going on in my mind. I would clean a drawer in an attempt to clear my head of its figurative clutter. It never really worked all that well…my restlessness and general melancholy were only relieved in small doses.

I often think C’s brain is just so full that he can’t settle enough to experience peace. Whether it’s autism, teenager-y, or his general personality I’m not sure – probably it’s all three. In my journey toward mindfulness, I have come to recognize how difficult a skill that would be for C, and he in fact struggles with it greatly. Not that I always find it easy, but I have calmed my inner clutter enough and have experienced enough reward for it that I want him to get there too.

Enter Marie Kondo. I have been familiar with her concept for years, but only generally. Lately, however, I have been watching her show on Netflix, and to say the connection between outer and inner clutter has become more clear to me is an understatement. I spent many hours yesterday Kondo-ing my closet, and despite my comment above that I’m not a girly-girl with lots of clothes, I managed to get rid of at least half of what was in there. The sense of relief has been palpable. I can’t wait to get to everything else.

For me, it seems I needed to calm some of the inner clutter before I could tackle the outer instead of the other way around. I am not sure what the key is for C, but I find myself hoping that his months of living without all of his stuff while in residential treatment has aided in his ability to experience inner calm.

January 13, 2019 at 6:12 pm Leave a comment


It’s all autism, all the time.

Parenting Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory

Blog Stats

  • 80,093 hits